Dreamland

I had one of those dreams last night, one of those dreams that shake you to the core. One of those dreams that make you wish you could close your eyes and drift back to that place where your surroundings, your feelings, your actions, all made sense. Alas, I went back to dreamland, but not back to that dream. 

I went about my morning with a heaviness in my chest, those obnoxious butterflies that wouldn’t settle. A plethora of emotions that I couldn’t shake. I sat in my car during my half-hour lunch period, and I cried. Not the silent, dainty tears rolling down my cheeks. I ugly cried. Sobbing while shakingly wiping the mixture of salty tears and snot off my swollen face. 

At that moment I had the urge to take pen to paper. I wanted to remember every detail, every piece of dialogue, the laughter and smiles. Every bit of that dreamland that has such a tight grip on my soul.

I’ll try again tonight.  

 

 

 

I am angry.

---

---

It hits me like waves. I can be fine one moment minding my own business and then a songs comes on, or the wind carries a familiar smell and I’m transported back to that very moment with you.

It takes my breath away.

For a moment I catch myself smiling because I want to believe that you’re sending me a sign letting me know, “Hey I’m still here”. But just as fast as that smile spreads across my lips, the dull ache unfolds in the back of my throat. My chest feels heavy and most days I’ll let the tears flow freely. I am reminded that you’re no longer here on earth.

I find myself incredibly sad. Longing for you.

There is no way for me to explain it, not to myself, let alone another.

I wonder how some people move on so quickly. Allow another love in their lives.

I am angry because I can’t rationalize this hold your memory has on my heart.

 

Pain

Not all is gloom enveloped by your pain.

There is still laughter

the smell of rain.

Glorious memories so vivid that they make you feel it all.

All over again.

Daily Prompt: Glorious

Love

A love so sweet and pure it penetrates you to your core.

Now that he is gone what will you do?

Recreate all that was good.

 

 

 

Daily Prompt: Recreate

Comfort

It’s Sunday night and while I crave to be sound asleep, instead I lay wide awake with too many words and jumbled thoughts running through my mind.

I had a wonderful day with my little man. We had a “breakfast date” just the two of us. Just how we like it. Really, this is the only way we know it because as long as he’s been in my life, it has been just the two of us.

I’ve been the only parent to tuck him in at night, to read him bedtime stories, to capture that first-day-of-school photo. I’ve also been the only parent to stay up all night with a sick little boy who only wants to be held between bought of tears and cries. It’s been an amazingly, exhausting 5 and half years.

It has also been lonely.

What keeps me up tonight, like many nights, is the longing for a partner to share the difficult nights with, but mostly someone to share the blissful moments with. Not just someone; I long for Joe.

I’ve created memories of us three that never happened and will never play out like I dream them up. Moments with Joe where he’s the father I wanted him to be. Moments with Joe, alive and full of love. In this imaginary life I feel happiness. I feel loved and I feel whole. It never lasts though and it leaves me with a feeling of loss and inexplicable heartache.

One would say I choose to torture my heart every time I allow myself to slip into this dream state. I do.

Someday, for the sake of my heart, I’ll have to let it go. Let him go. But for tonight at least, I chose to look for comfort in an illusion.

 

 

Today I thought of you

 

There are days like today when the sun is warm and breeze is cool, I think of you.

The sweet smell of summer ending creeps through the crack in the window and a song that I usually avoid (because every word reminds me of the pain) plays on the radio and I find myself reaching for the knob to turn the volume up.

The melancholy tones fill my car. I sing along loud and off key.

I look in the rearview mirror and the little face looking back at me looks like you. Every smirk, every smile and that glimmer in his eyes reminds me of yours.

And I smile through the tears collecting behind my sunglasses.

I welcome days like these because I think of you.

 

Is it procrastination or is it a deeper rooted problem?

It’s been approximately 8ish months since my last blog entry. I remember this last night while drifting off to sleep. I also remembered the promise I made to myself about blogging more. Because after all, I am a “journal-er” or at least I once was.

Again, I broke a promise to myself. It could be because I’ve been feeling so uninspired lately or am is this simply procrastination at its finest?

I clearly remember the days where I turned to my journal for comfort and safety. Every little thought invading my mind and soul was shared with it. It flowed so easily and without hesitation. I don’t how or why I lost that “connection” with pen and a paper (or keyboard). I miss it and I yearn for that comfort and safety again.

 

 

 

 

Nostalgia

Nostalgia

With Winter approaching bittersweet memories, smells and a mixture of happiness and sadness overcomes me.

I left my heart in San Francisco.

The city that witnessed a love that I have yet to feel again. A love that died to soon.

Time

Time doesn’t stand still.
A year older.
A year wiser, another year of wishing you were still here.
To feel it all,
well that would consume me.
Part of me fears that by letting go,
to really feel,
to accept, 
to grieve,
to move forward,
I’d be betraying a love that still lives.
Another year and I’ll be blowing out candles to the same wish.
For time to stand still.

Little boy

 

With the promise of cooler days, golden sunsets and all things that scream out “Fall” I find myself slipping into my ideal state of hibernation. I don’t know when summer vanished and this transition began but oh boy am I glad it has!

Mateo has started his second year of preschool. He’s grown a few inches taller in the last few months and he has become more persistent in reminding me that he is no longer a baby. He is a big boy. I can’t fight it and I know I should embrace this next chapter in life. With change come new adventures. It is bittersweet and I catch myself staring at my child when he sleeps, longing for the clock to turn back to when he was an infant in my arms or at least for time to stand still.

Phase one of “Mateo’s Treehouse” has begun! As exciting as this adventure will be I imagine where it will lead. Future sleepover’s with friends from school. Little boys doing what little boys do. His version of a “no girls (mom) allowed” sign on this very tree house. The inevitable passing of time and another reminder that my baby is a big boy.

As always, I’m wish you were here to enjoy this.