There are days like today when the sun is warm and breeze is cool, I think of you.
The sweet smell of summer ending creeps through the crack in the window and a song that I usually avoid (because every word reminds me of the pain) plays on the radio and I find myself reaching for the knob to turn the volume up.
The melancholy tones fill my car. I sing along loud and off key.
I look in the rearview mirror and the little face looking back at me looks like you. Every smirk, every smile and that glimmer in his eyes reminds me of yours.
And I smile through the tears collecting behind my sunglasses.
I welcome days like these because I think of you.
It’s been approximately 8ish months since my last blog entry. I remember this last night while drifting off to sleep. I also remembered the promise I made to myself about blogging more. Because after all, I am a “journal-er” or at least I once was.
Again, I broke a promise to myself. It could be because I’ve been feeling so uninspired lately or am is this simply procrastination at its finest?
I clearly remember the days where I turned to my journal for comfort and safety. Every little thought invading my mind and soul was shared with it. It flowed so easily and without hesitation. I don’t how or why I lost that “connection” with pen and a paper (or keyboard). I miss it and I yearn for that comfort and safety again.
With Winter approaching bittersweet memories, smells and a mixture of happiness and sadness overcomes me.
I left my heart in San Francisco.
The city that witnessed a love that I have yet to feel again. A love that died to soon.
Time doesn’t stand still.
A year older.
A year wiser, another year of wishing you were still here.
To feel it all,
well that would consume me.
Part of me fears that by letting go,
to really feel,
to move forward,
I’d be betraying a love that still lives.
Another year and I’ll be blowing out candles to the same wish.
For time to stand still.
With the promise of cooler days, golden sunsets and all things that scream out “Fall” I find myself slipping into my ideal state of hibernation. I don’t know when summer vanished and this transition began but oh boy am I glad it has!
Mateo has started his second year of preschool. He’s grown a few inches taller in the last few months and he has become more persistent in reminding me that he is no longer a baby. He is a big boy. I can’t fight it and I know I should embrace this next chapter in life. With change come new adventures. It is bittersweet and I catch myself staring at my child when he sleeps, longing for the clock to turn back to when he was an infant in my arms or at least for time to stand still.
Phase one of “Mateo’s Treehouse” has begun! As exciting as this adventure will be I imagine where it will lead. Future sleepover’s with friends from school. Little boys doing what little boys do. His version of a “no girls (mom) allowed” sign on this very tree house. The inevitable passing of time and another reminder that my baby is a big boy.
As always, I’m wish you were here to enjoy this.