I am angry.



It hits me like waves. I can be fine one moment minding my own business and then a songs comes on, or the wind carries a familiar smell and I’m transported back to that very moment with you.

It takes my breath away.

For a moment I catch myself smiling because I want to believe that you’re sending me a sign letting me know, “Hey I’m still here”. But just as fast as that smile spreads across my lips, the dull ache unfolds in the back of my throat. My chest feels heavy and most days I’ll let the tears flow freely. I am reminded that you’re no longer here on earth.

I find myself incredibly sad. Longing for you.

There is no way for me to explain it, not to myself, let alone another.

I wonder how some people move on so quickly. Allow another love in their lives.

I am angry because I can’t rationalize this hold your memory has on my heart.

 

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Pain

Not all is gloom enveloped by your pain.

There is still laughter

the smell of rain.

Glorious memories so vivid that they make you feel it all.

All over again.

Daily Prompt: Glorious

Comfort

It’s Sunday night and while I crave to be sound asleep, instead I lay wide awake with too many words and jumbled thoughts running through my mind.

I had a wonderful day with my little man. We had a “breakfast date” just the two of us. Just how we like it. Really, this is the only way we know it because as long as he’s been in my life, it has been just the two of us.

I’ve been the only parent to tuck him in at night, to read him bedtime stories, to capture that first-day-of-school photo. I’ve also been the only parent to stay up all night with a sick little boy who only wants to be held between bought of tears and cries. It’s been an amazingly, exhausting 5 and half years.

It has also been lonely.

What keeps me up tonight, like many nights, is the longing for a partner to share the difficult nights with, but mostly someone to share the blissful moments with. Not just someone; I long for Joe.

I’ve created memories of us three that never happened and will never play out like I dream them up. Moments with Joe where he’s the father I wanted him to be. Moments with Joe, alive and full of love. In this imaginary life I feel happiness. I feel loved and I feel whole. It never lasts though and it leaves me with a feeling of loss and inexplicable heartache.

One would say I choose to torture my heart every time I allow myself to slip into this dream state. I do.

Someday, for the sake of my heart, I’ll have to let it go. Let him go. But for tonight at least, I chose to look for comfort in an illusion.

 

 

Today I thought of you

 

There are days like today when the sun is warm and breeze is cool, I think of you.

The sweet smell of summer ending creeps through the crack in the window and a song that I usually avoid (because every word reminds me of the pain) plays on the radio and I find myself reaching for the knob to turn the volume up.

The melancholy tones fill my car. I sing along loud and off key.

I look in the rearview mirror and the little face looking back at me looks like you. Every smirk, every smile and that glimmer in his eyes reminds me of yours.

And I smile through the tears collecting behind my sunglasses.

I welcome days like these because I think of you.

 

Is it procrastination or is it a deeper rooted problem?

It’s been approximately 8ish months since my last blog entry. I remember this last night while drifting off to sleep. I also remembered the promise I made to myself about blogging more. Because after all, I am a “journal-er” or at least I once was.

Again, I broke a promise to myself. It could be because I’ve been feeling so uninspired lately or am is this simply procrastination at its finest?

I clearly remember the days where I turned to my journal for comfort and safety. Every little thought invading my mind and soul was shared with it. It flowed so easily and without hesitation. I don’t how or why I lost that “connection” with pen and a paper (or keyboard). I miss it and I yearn for that comfort and safety again.