Is it procrastination or is it a deeper rooted problem?

It’s been approximately 8ish months since my last blog entry. I remember this last night while drifting off to sleep. I also remembered the promise I made to myself about blogging more. Because after all, I am a “journal-er” or at least I once was.

Again, I broke a promise to myself. It could be because I’ve been feeling so uninspired lately or am is this simply procrastination at its finest?

I clearly remember the days where I turned to my journal for comfort and safety. Every little thought invading my mind and soul was shared with it. It flowed so easily and without hesitation. I don’t how or why I lost that “connection” with pen and a paper (or keyboard). I miss it and I yearn for that comfort and safety again.

 

 

 

 

Time

Time doesn’t stand still.
A year older.
A year wiser, another year of wishing you were still here.
To feel it all,
well that would consume me.
Part of me fears that by letting go,
to really feel,
to accept, 
to grieve,
to move forward,
I’d be betraying a love that still lives.
Another year and I’ll be blowing out candles to the same wish.
For time to stand still.

Little boy

With the promise of cooler days, golden sunsets and all things that scream out “Fall” I find myself slipping into my ideal state of hibernation. I don’t know when summer vanished and this transition began but oh boy am I glad it has!

My child has started his second year of preschool. He’s grown a few inches taller in the last few months and he has become more persistent in reminding me that he is no longer a baby. He is a big boy. I can’t fight it and I know I should embrace this next chapter in life. With change come new adventures. It is bittersweet and I catch myself staring at my child when he sleeps, longing for the clock to turn back to when he was an infant in my arms or at least for time to stand still.

Phase one of “Mateo’s Treehouse” has begun! As exciting as this adventure will be I imagine where it will lead. Future sleepover’s with friends from school. Little boys doing what little boys do. His version of a “no girls (mom) allowed” sign on this very tree house. The inevitable passing of time and another reminder that my baby is a big boy.

14324118_10210476326363971_766374711744318846_o

 

truth tro͞oTH/…noun..that which is true or in accordance with fact or reality.

Browsing Facebook has become part of my morning routine; admitting that I feel anxiety when I’m disconnected from social media makes me cringe (I’ve become “that” person) but it’s my truth and I have no shame in that.

So there I am clicking, browsing, LOL’ing at some ridiculously lame video, but funny nonetheless, I came across the following words:

“The truth will set you free. But first it will piss you off.”

I find this not only cheeky and cynical but sad. I Googled Gloria Steinem (author) and spent over an hour reading up on this wonderful, beautifully strong woman.  “Feminist, journalist, and social and political activist…” http://http://www.gloriasteinem.com

Every single word in this statement is powerful. It hits so close to home for me. I’ve adopted a way of dealing with the negative, with the ugliness that causes me discomfort by simply not acknowledging its presence in my life. Same concept as, if you don’t see the bill you don’t have to acknowledge that you owe money and therefore,  you don’t have to pay it. Well, until the bill collector comes knocking at your door. The last 4 years have brought so much into my life. The birth of my first child; his existence gives me hope. Hope that I can be the mother that can love herself and in that love him unconditionally. I’ve begun a journey of self discovery. It’s scary and I want to quit; because quitting would allow me to only focus on the good and positives vibes instead of focusing on the pain. The grief that I’ve yet to deal with. Embracing self-acceptance and owning my truth.

I have also lost so much. I lost the man who I loved so deeply. I lost him twice; the second time around to death. And I’m pissed off. I haven’t come to terms with this loss because I still hold so much anger and guilt. But I am finally at a point in my life where I accept that I can’t shove these feelings in my junk drawer and keep on keepin’ on as if they don’t exist.

I just turned 31 this year (yikes) and although I feel as young as ever I’ve come to the realization that I haven’t accomplished all that I wanted to in my life. And that it is okay. What I do have is more than enough. I am enough.

That my friends is my truth.

What the hell is What the FoCus…

I have too many jumbled ideas about what this blog will be about. I will confess that I created an outline yes, an outline (complete with side notes I have carefully color coded with highlighters) on how I will structure my blog and what type of post will draw attention to my blog and ultimately, my photography website. So before I’ve published my first blog post I already have an agenda and have created the cycle of censoring my creativity.

I can already feel the self-doubt and pessimistic thoughts on the many ways I will quit and fail creeping into my mind.

So as I paused to re-read the beginning of this post I’ve crumbled up that outline and have decided that this blog will not have an outline, a purpose other than to release those jumbled emotions, thoughts, ideas from my brain onto paper (computer); and in doing so I might just learn a little something about myself…

By not focusing (limiting) on a specific I might help you (reader)…after all we’re all on this journey together.
The author