It’s Sunday night and while I crave to be sound asleep, instead I lay wide awake with too many words and jumbled thoughts running through my mind.
I had a wonderful day with my little man. We had a “breakfast date” just the two of us. Just how we like it. Really, this is the only way we know it because as long as he’s been in my life, it has been just the two of us.
I’ve been the only parent to tuck him in at night, to read him bedtime stories, to capture that first-day-of-school photo. I’ve also been the only parent to stay up all night with a sick little boy who only wants to be held between bought of tears and cries. It’s been an amazingly, exhausting 5 and half years.
It has also been lonely.
What keeps me up tonight, like many nights, is the longing for a partner to share the difficult nights with, but mostly someone to share the blissful moments with. Not just someone; I long for Joe.
I’ve created memories of us three that never happened and will never play out like I dream them up. Moments with Joe where he’s the father I wanted him to be. Moments with Joe, alive and full of love. In this imaginary life I feel happiness. I feel loved and I feel whole. It never lasts though and it leaves me with a feeling of loss and inexplicable heartache.
One would say I choose to torture my heart every time I allow myself to slip into this dream state. I do.
Someday, for the sake of my heart, I’ll have to let it go. Let him go. But for tonight at least, I chose to look for comfort in an illusion.